I'm still here and still kicking.  Just a lot going on and I haven't really felt like writing much.  I have been busy making homemade yogurt, buttermilk, and cheeses to help save money.  Also I am going to start baking all the bread we use, as well.  It just tastes better and is a whole lot cheaper.  So I have been busy, but it's fun.

Mostly, though, I have been very sad and upset over a very good family friend's declining health.  My mother's best friend (who I always have referred to as "aunt") has received a very grim diagnosis.  They are pretty sure she has cancer in three different locations.  They couldn't even do the surgery yet for it as her heart started acting up and they had to shock her today to convert it to a normal rhythm. 

This whole thing is pretty surreal and unbelievable.  She isn't that old (mid fifties) and has always been in fairly good health.  It's just devastating and I really have been so sad by all of it.  I love my Aunt Judi so much and I cannot imagine life without her.  She is just a sweet and loving person and I really hate all of this.  I don't even think it's so much about the fact that she could die, but all of the pain and misery she will have to endure.  It just doesn't seem right.  Please remember my Aunt Judi in your prayers.

I don't know...this whole thing has me rather depressed and I find myself breaking down and crying when I think about it for very long.  So far I am not overly impressed with 2006.  I'll just pray it doesn't get any worse.  Because I know it CAN get worse.

I'm sorry to be such a downer but I'm just so weary of the death and sickness.  I am tired of losing people I love and care about....whether it be to death or other reasons.  I'm tired of my heart being broken.  It pains me to know how much emotional pain my mom must be in to know her best friend is so sick.  The feelings of helplessness just are overwhelming. 

All I can do, for sure, is pray.  And what do you pray for?  Is it right to pray for someone to live?  Do you pray for God's will to be done swiftly and without pain?  What is the right thing?  It's so easy to pray for those you don't know well...but to pray for someone you love is very different and so hard. 

This whole thing is not only upsetting to me for obvious reasons...that I love my Aunt Judi very much.  But it also is frightening because she is my parents and inlaws' age.  I don't think I am ready to be without them!  I see how suddenly this all came on and it freaks me out that it could be MY mom or MY mother-in-law.  I'm not stupid...I know these things happen.  But to think about it very long is just too much for my mind to wrap around and don't know how to handle it.  Deep inside, I am still a kid who needs her mom(s).  And I really need my Aunt Judi too!  I need lots of people in my life and I am not ready to give them up. 

This entry is just too much right now...I'm crying and I'm tired and I am just going to bed.  Please pray.