I was soooo sleepy today!  I napped and napped and then napped some more!  I was a doofess and didn't do much of anything.  The weather was so dark and dreary, I think that is why I was a nap hog. 

I got out of the house, yesterday, and attended the Methodist Women's meeting.  It was a lot of fun!  Kind of like a little sleepover or something.  Them are some crazy ladies!  hahaha...I will have to go back to more of those meetings.  Before I left, Rich had called to tell me that Jared had thrown up and that I should stop at Walmart on the way home to pick up some pedialyte, etc.  Good grief!  I'm so sick of this puking and such.  But, like the other two, he only puked once and then he was fine.  Go figure.

Rich and I are feeling back to normal from our strep throat.  I just hope the kids don't end up picking that little gem up! 

I guess my journal entries wouldn't be complete, lately, without a little bit of obsessing.  I just cannot stand that I am not pregnant anymore.  The midwife told us that we should wait three months before trying again...but I'm here to say that the trying has already begun in full, enthusiastic force.  Well, let me clarify...we are not *trying* for anything.  There is no temperature taking and ovulation prediction kits laying around the house.  However, we certainly aren't stopping anything that might happen.  It's almost like I want to pick up where I left off and I know that isn't possible.  Sometimes I forget I am not pregnant anymore.  When I had strep throat I would start to take some motrin and would hesitate, "I can't take this...."  But, oh yes I could.  And then I get really ticked off and sad.  I'll have someone ask me if  I would like to have some dessert or something and I will think, "I can't eat that" but oh yes I can.  It's just little things like these that make me crazy.

I just feel so left out.  EVERYONE at my church is pregnant (well the younger ladies, anyway).  My neighbor is pregnant...just everyone is pregnant.  I *was* pregnant.  And now it's like I get to watch everyone moving along with their pregnancies at the same stages I would have been at and it drives me nuts.  At church this past Sunday, this young woman was walking into the restroom right when I was walking by.  I had noticed that she looked "fuller" than normal (I didn't know she was pregnant).  She just smiled at me and pulled her top tight against her belly and said, "look at this!"   I didn't even know she was pregnant and I was surprised.  I said, "I didn't know you were pregnant!"  She just smiled and said, "yes....oh, but I'm sorry about what happened, Alice." 

Now I know she didn't mean anything by it.  She is not a mean woman and I think she really just forgot.  But everywhere I look in the pews, there is someone about as pregnant as I would be.  The older Methodist woman at the meeting last night told me that the younger ladies had a group too.  I told them I thought they were more fun and I didn't want to go, really.  I just don't think I could stand to sit in a room full of pregnant women who are all at the same stage as what I should be. 

I haven't even seen my neighbor in a week or so.  She's excited, of course, and she can't help but talk about all the little things going on that were going on for me just a couple of weeks ago.  It makes me feel bad...almost like I am a damper for their excitement.  You can see that they are excited (and they should be!) and they want to share these things with me.  But, then, you see their faces look really guilty all of the sudden and they apologize.  I hate that.  I would never want any woman to feel guilty for being excited about carrying a new life inside of her body or sharing that excitement with others. 

My poor friend, katmanndoo , just endured the death of her dad the same day I miscarried and then she found out she was pregnant (her baby is THREE months old!  hahaha).  Now if you go over to her journal, you will see that she wants to be happy and excited about this new baby she is expecting.  She wants to (and deserves to) be able to be unreserved and thrilled....but at the same time she feels badly because of what happened to me.  It's just a hard situation.  I am tickled to death for each and every one of my friends who are expecting babies (and there are A LOT of them!).  I don't want them to have to subdue their happiness around me...but at the same time I would be lying if I said that it makes me feel sorry for myself that I'm not able to feel the same way for myself anymore.  I guess this is just a normal human reaction.  *Sigh* It's just a complex situation to deal with.

But, overall, I'm doing ok.  I think I'll be better once I am pregnant again (if it is the Lord's will).  If it doesn't happen again, I'll be ok too, with time.  I know I cannot replace Quinn's pregnancy, but I think women get their mind and body set up for being pregnant and then when it's abruptly ended it's hard for your body and mind to get a grip on the whole thing. 

On a completely different note, I hope it warms up soon so I can open the windows and get my kids' rooms painted.  I have a lot to get done around here and it requires VENTILATION.  Like spring cleaning and such. 

Well I am going to wrap this up for the night.  I appreciate anyone who is still reading my self-counseling session.  It really does help for me to sort out my feelings in writing and get input from you all.  I feel less alone and I feel so much better after it's all in writing.  You all have a good night.