I apologize to everyone...I am trying to get back to normal and I feel like I have been a real downer the past week.  No one wants to continuously read about someone's depression and such, but I just can't help it today.  The doctor's office called today to remind me of my appointment tomorrow.  I just do not want to go.  I don't want to see other pregnant ladies, I don't want to chit chat in the waiting room, I don't want to see the staff there, I don't want to see my stupid empty uterus up on the ultrasound screen while they analyze it to see if everything is gone or not....

I don't want to see my midwife (who I love) because she discounted my concerns about my progesterone and that was exactly what was wrong.  I'm afraid I might say something nasty and not mean it.  My brain knows she would never hurt me intentionally...but my heart is really angry. 

I just don't want any part of it and want to be left the heck alone.  It seems like everywhere I look everyone is pregnant.  I NEVER would wish this on anyone and it's not that I'm not happy for them.  I love babies no matter whose they are!  But being around them makes me want my baby back and I know that isn't going to happen.  It's hard to explain.  I'm not really jealous, but it reminds me of what I no longer am going to have....

And everyone is quick to point out that I have three beautiful kids.  Yes, I do have three beautiful kids!  But I wanted this beautiful baby too!   I get tired of hearing how I can have another one.  I get angry when people say, "well there was probably something wrong with it."  There wasn't anything wrong with it, there was something wrong with ME and MY progesterone levels!

My hormones are everywhere today and no amount of antidepressants in the western hemisphere is going to change that.  I'm angry today and sad.  I'm short with others and not very nice.  I want to have my uterus ripped out so this can never happen again....but at the same time I want to sleep with my husband and get pregnant again right away as quickly as possible.  It's craziness.  It's insanity.

It's just a sucky day.