Aunt Judi (sitting) & my mother Christmas Eve 2000

It has been a very rough couple of days.  I apologize to all for not keeping up and corresponding, but I am going through a lot here.  And it's not just grieving over my Aunt Judi's death, no....it's much much more.

Aunt Judi was a very good person.  Even though we didn't share the same religious views, she was never judgmental or hateful towards us.  She very rarely spoke badly of anyone...even if they deserved it.  She was intelligent, calm, and level-headed.  Her compassion for others was immeasurable and when she loved you it was a love that didn't hold back. 

I can still feel her hugging me....still hear her say "well, hello Miss Mouse!" (this was what my mom called me when I was little & it stuck with a few people).  She loved animals, she loved babies, she loved old people, and she loved the unlovable.  And all of them loved her...that was the amazing thing.

Her and my mother had been friends since grade school and you could just feel the connection between them.  Did they always agree?  No.  Did they get perturbed at one another occasionally?  Heck yes!  But their love for one another knew no bounds.  It was neverending and they never allowed a petty disagreement to destroy their relationship.  They agreed to disagree and looked beyond the situation and let it be. 

My mom got to see Aunt Judi the day before she died.  Even then, the bond was there through extreme sickness and a bit of stubbornness on my Aunt Judi's part.  Mom let Aunt Judi lean against her back so that she could sit up and they stayed that way a while...back to back...discussing the important issues of life.  My mom says she knew that was the last time she would see her and that Aunt Judi knew this too.  And when my mom went to leave, they told each other that they loved the other and said goodbye with peace in their hearts.

I grieve, of course, over the loss of such a wonderful person in my life.  I have not detected a hint of grief in my mother's voice over the phone...I've never really ever seen my mother cry.  I mentioned this to her and almost urged her to show some emotion.  She told me that we cry for ourselves and that she simply didn't feel sorry for herself.  I told her I was a selfish bitch....hahahaha!  Because I blubber and cry more than most people do and can't help myself. 

I am so happy that my mom had that last opportunity to talk with Aunt Judi.  I don't know what all they talked about...that is between them...but I know that when she left it was with the knowledge that it was all good between them and there was no doubt about anything.

The next morning, my mother underwent a minor surgical procedure.  My Aunt Judi died around that same time.  My Aunt Judi's kidneys weren't working well any longer and the cancer had ravaged her body...it was everywhere imaginable.  She had retained over fifty pounds of fluid and nothing they could do would remove it.  She decided she wanted to go home. 

They called a transport ambulance and arranged for hospice to help out at their home.  One exit from her destination...Aunt Judi went home.  Right there in the ambulance...she passed away peacefully.  She WAS going home. 

As my mother awoke from the anesthesia, she shared with me that she felt as if Aunt Judi was there with her.   She said that she heard her voice, as clear as a bell, saying to her "I'm going home now."  And that's exactly what she did.

All of this has left me with the overwhelming need to make situations right that have been left dangling and unresolved.  It has made me want to apologize to those I have hurt in any way...intentionally or unintentionally.  It has made me want to stop analyzing small, trivial matters and look at the big picture.  Our lives here on earth are so brief...and, personally, I don't want anyone close to my heart to go on without knowing that I love them.

Some people I have called and have done this verbally.  Normally, this would have been very hard because I tend to let my pride and my fears get in the way.  I have not found this task difficult at all.  I have a lot of people to talk to and I'm trying my best to get it done one by one. 

I don't want to leave this to chance and assume that I will have an opportunity to tell my friends and family that I love them.  I want to KNOW that they understand completely how I feel...even if it is not reciprocated.  I want to be like Aunt Judi.  It is all clear to me now that I must wear my heart outside my body and risk rejection and pain to know for a fact that I will never have a regret.  It is terribly painful to be rejected or to find out that someone doesn't love you as much as you love them....but it's much worse to be left living....wondering if they knew just how much you cared. 

So to anyone reading this who I consider a friend (and you know who you are) I LOVE YOU.  I have a lot of work to do, but I will make it my goal to write or call everyone.  I encourage everyone to do the same...don't wait until it's too late.