Well, here I am again...another day I have survived in one piece.  I guess that is a blessing, huh?  I got such a small amount of sleep last night that I could hardly function today.  I was very depressed and moped around quite a bit.  I was glad that Rich was home to help me get through it all. 

After I really got to thinking about that water line that burst last night in my bathroom, I really was counting my blessings.  I am positive that if I had been in bed and it shot water out that forcefully until  we got up at 6 a.m. that we would have been calling our homeowner's insurance company today.  Much of the downstairs surrounding the bathroom would have been ruined...even the ceiling!  It was shooting straight up like a geyser.  So I am thanking God that, even though I was miserable last night, I was awake to prevent that from happening.  Rich fixed it and all is well.

While Rich was out taking Klara to speech & Jared was in school, Will and I snuggled up on the couch.  That was a mistake!  An hour or so later when Rich got home, he nudged me awake.  We both had fallen asleep and Will had slid off the couch and was sitting in the floor, slumped over, with his back against the couch.  My hand on top of his head was the only thing holding him up!  Now that is tired!  He woke up at 6 a.m. this morning, as well, which is out of character for him.  So he was zonked.

I'm not even sure why I am sitting here writing this as late as it is.  I guess I just need that quiet time to hash through everything and try to make sense of it all.  The past 24 hours have really reminded me of how you feel after someone dies.  I've had several crying jags and a lot of time just sitting and looking dumb. 

My mom called me this evening and one of my longtime childhood friends' dad died yesterday.  It's strange because I pulled up her local paper yesterday and looked for him in the obituaries for no apparent reason before I found this out.  I just had it in my mind all of the sudden to do it.  He had been sick with cancer for a long while.  I still think it odd that I thought to do that yesterday....

Needless to say, I am about done with death for a while.  Death in any and every form...I'm just sick of it.  Sick of people dying...sick of heartache.

And you know?  I always do my best to be there to help any of my friends through the trying parts of their lives....death, illness, etc.  This is just something I do.  I have a big, soft heart and I just want to fix everyone's problems if I can.  Of course that is not possible, but I try.  Yet, this past month I have been ill, my family has been ill, and I have had several aquaintances pass away.  Where was the compassion for me?  Where was someone wanting to fix my problems?  Don't I deserve to be treated humanely and with care when I am down?

I take that back....

I have had others show me care, compassion, and love this past month, reinforcing who truly cares about me & who doesn't.  Some of it has come from unexpected sources. 

I guess what I am trying to say (and please follow me, here, if you don't understand exactly why I have been depressed) is that I think the world is a cruel and cold enough place already without being neglected by loved ones.  And the problem is that people like me, who open our hearts and do our very best to be there for others, tend to harden just a bit more with each negative encounter; when we realize that our care & love are not reciprocated in our time of need. 

Forgive me for rambling....I am sleepy and literally just drained.  I am at a loss for words & am finding that my thoughts are not coming easily right now.  I haven't wanted to talk to many people and am somewhat withdrawn right now.  I guess it's a protective mechanism...so I cannot be hurt any more than I already have been. 

I am only writing for my own peace of mind.  Just don't question me a lot and prod for information if you don't know the whole story.  I can't rehash or talk about it much anymore.  Trust in the fact that I am naive.  Believe me when I say that I will be ok with a little bit of time.  Bear with me as I try to purge the sadness that crops up and eats my insides out occasionally.  I *will* live.

If you are reading this and you *do* know what all of this is in reference to, do me a favor.  Let well enough alone.  I have no bad feelings and will learn to smile at the good I remember. 

I'm typing now with my eyes closed, so I guess that is a sign that it is time to get myself some sleep.  Everyone take care and I will write more tomorrow.