Hmmm...how am I doing?  Mostly better.  I was almost, I feel, completely normal up until a couple of days ago.  I got the bill in the mail for: "ultrasound pregnant uterus" and my prenatal visits.  Also, the HCG levels and such were on there.  I looked at it and I've seen these bills many times before...except I'm always expecting a baby.  I sat the bill down and tried to forget about it but it was getting up into the evening and the kids were getting wild.  I am afraid I wasn't the best mom that evening and I scolded the children a lot and was short tempered.  Jared had a baseball game that evening and I sat at the bottom of the bleachers and cried.  Will & Klara were not being so well behaved and I just felt like getting up and leaving.  I asked God to help me and He did help me in a very strange way...

 

Will stopped in his tracks and pointed to my left and said "nyeh nyeh."  I kept looking off in a distance, not paying attention to who was sitting beside of me.  The man sitting beside of me poked me on the shoulder and said, "he is pointing at me."

 

I looked at this man and my jaw dropped!  I looked at Will and I asked him if he knew this man and he shook his head yes.  I asked him who the man was and he replied, "tanta caus."  And, by golly, Santa Claus was sitting right next to me!  He was wearing a red tee shirt and a pair of blue jean shorts and a big black belt.  This man WAS Santa Claus...

 

Klara stopped what she was doing and she didn't know what to think either.  He looked at them and told them that he had been watching and saw that they weren't being too good.  They immediately started acting better!  And he watched them the entire game and if he saw that they were acting up, he would remind them that he was watching them.  It was amazing!  They were angels after that!  Who would think that God would send me Santa Claus on an April day at a little league game!?

 

Then, yesterday, I had to sign for a certified letter from the hospital.  I knew before I opened it that it wasn't good.  It was to Rich and they had terminated his per diem position there in the CCU.  They require a per diem nurse to work a certain amount of hours a month and he hasn't been picking any shifts up the past couple of months because I have been so crazy.  He has really had to pick up a lot of my slack and just couldn't do it.  So now he is fired.  I cried and cried and I feel very guilty that this has happened.  I know it hurt his feelings that they did this and that they did it by MAIL!  Geesh.

 

So I called his former supervisor at the hospital.  She goes over here to a church in our neighborhood and is very familiar with my kids during their Bible school in the summer.  I told her I had signed for this letter and was very upset to see that he had been fired.  He has always done well on his reviews and everyone loved him there.  I told her I wasn't asking for his job back, but that she needed to know why he has not been able to work extra shifts in a while.  I then told her what had happened, but I couldn't manage to do it with out crying.  I'm afraid I probably made her feel awful, but I couldn't let his record reflect that he just wasn't showing up for work.  He always showed up for his shifts he took...he just wasn't able to take any shifts lately. 

 

Ehhh...oh well...what to do?  It's just one of those things.  I cannot let these things snowball and get me depressed again.  I didn't go to bed until very late/early this morning and I ended up sleeping almost all day.  Rich just let me sleep.  That's what I do when I get depressed and can't seem to handle my emotions.  I feel better now and hopefully this will go away.  I just feel like everytime I put this miscarriage behind me, it comes back and reopens everything up. 

 

I doubt we will be able to reschedule our trip.  It's just too hard to find a sitter for three kids and my friend can only come back mid May.  That's not a lot of time to plan anything else.  Oh well...haha...I guess it wasn't meant to be.  Maybe we can take a family vacation in the summer and bring our babysitter along.  She went along last year and it was fabulous. 

 

I know I haven't written much and I can't explain why, really.  I just haven't had it in me to write anything.  It's not that I have been desperately depressed all this time or anything, just that I haven't felt like writing.  Actually, I have felt a lot better and things are getting back to normal.  I think that might actually be the reason why I haven't written...because I have felt better and have been busy.   I hope everyone has been well and I'll try to catch up with you soon.